We're facebook friends in real life
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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