Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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