We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
