if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
