Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
