I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Sober January is a disaster.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
