Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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