Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My cat gives me a boner
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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