I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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