so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
