I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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