I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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