Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
