I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
