i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.