Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
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going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
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If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.