Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
