Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
