never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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