did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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