Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just had sex on a roof
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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