shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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