this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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