im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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