just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
