I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
