This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
