Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She even gives head with a lisp.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
