Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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