It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
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Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
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Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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