why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
