I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
