Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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