New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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