I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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