god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
