Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
