How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
