I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
