I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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