so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
