i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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