I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
