Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
