Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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