I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
did i just pee glitter
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
