When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
