We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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