After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
