Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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