That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
