Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
