I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
