i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You are a genius and a whore.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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