i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
